The Mindset Shift of Forgiveness Over Bitterness
by Shana Strange-Williams
Well, hey there. I don’t know what kind of week you’re having, but I hope these words will encourage you—even if they step on your toes just a little.
This week on Grace & Grit, we’re talking about something that hits us all at some point: the mindset shift of forgiveness over bitterness. And listen, I wish I could tell you forgiveness was optional. That it’s something we could just do when it feels easy. But it’s not. Jesus was really clear—if we don’t forgive others, the Father won’t forgive us. That’s not a suggestion; that’s a command.
It’s Not About Forgetting
Let’s be real. Forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetting. That whole “forgive and forget” thing? Not even biblical. God says He throws our sins into the sea of forgetfulness, but that’s a choice He makes—not because He literally forgets. He chooses not to hold it against us anymore. And that’s what we’re called to do.
It doesn’t mean you have to let the person stay in your life. You might need some boundaries. But it does mean you have to let it go. If you don’t, that unforgiveness will settle into your heart and become bitterness. And let me tell you—bitterness grows fast, like weeds in your yard. It will choke out the good things, not just in your life, but in the lives of people around you.
Forgiveness Means Releasing the Debt
The word “forgive” in Scripture? It actually has this financial meaning—like canceling a debt. That hit home for me as a lender. When someone defaults, the lender can send a demand letter. But forgiveness means choosing not to demand repayment anymore. Not demanding that person make it right. And y’all… that’s hard. But that’s what Jesus did for us. He paid a debt we couldn’t pay. And He paid it for the person who hurt you, too.
When I Had to Forgive the Unthinkable
Some of y’all know my story. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to forgive was what happened last September. Finding out my husband had multiple affairs, was talking to other women… y’all, that was a whole other level of pain. And I wasn’t interested in hearing “love is patient, love is kind” in that moment. I was hurting.
But when Mike asked me, “How did you forgive me?” I told him—I asked God to let me see him the way He sees him. That’s where it started. I asked God to work forgiveness in my heart. Not give it. Work it. Because it’s a process. It’s not a flip-of-the-switch kind of thing. It’s digging, uprooting, healing, surrendering.
Forgiveness Isn’t a Feeling—It’s a Surrender
Let’s be honest. You can still feel hurt. You can still feel angry. But forgiveness means you’re choosing not to make them pay anymore. You’re saying, “God, this hurts. I’m mad. But I need You to change my heart. Show me what You see.”
Sometimes, I still wake up and feel the sting. I’m still walking through some grief. But I’ve learned that forgiveness is how God sets me free. It doesn’t excuse the hurt, but it opens the door for healing.
Bitterness Blocks Blessing
If you stay stuck in bitterness, it will poison you. It’ll poison your relationships, your mind, your body, your finances. It blocks the blessing of God in your life. And not because God is holding back—but because unforgiveness creates a barrier. That’s why Jesus said, if you’re praying and you remember you have something against someone—stop and go make it right. That’s how serious it is.
In Marriage, Contempt Is the Danger Zone
If you’re in a hard season in your marriage—maybe you feel like you’re getting to that place of contempt—I need you to hear me: that’s a dangerous place to be. Contempt is full-grown bitterness. And most marriages don’t survive it. But God can turn it around. He did in mine.
I didn’t know what was going on with Mike, but I prayed for him to fall in love with God. To know Him like I do. And God answered that prayer in a way I never imagined. Mike told me later, “I’ve fallen in love with God.” And I knew—once someone really falls in love with God, He’s got them. They’re not going anywhere.
So if you’re walking through something painful, please hear this: don’t give up. Don’t believe the lie that it’s too late. Ask God to work forgiveness in your heart. Cry out to Him. Be honest. He already knows. And He is more than able to help you forgive—even when it seems impossible.
And if you need more encouragement, head to www.grace-grit.castos.com where you can listen to the full episode of this teaching, or check out our marriage podcast, The Marriage Altar at www.the-marriage-altar-podcast.castos.com.
You’re not alone, and there’s still hope.
Until next time, I pray you are blessed.
—Shana
