I Lost Myself Trying to Save My Marriage
Something that I noticed happened to me was that I lost myself trying to save my marriage.
The more I’ve talked to people who’ve walked through betrayal, the more I’ve realized this is actually really common. We get so caught up trying to save our marriage—or save our spouse—that we completely lose ourselves.
I don’t think this gets talked about enough.
It’s not just about what they did. It’s about what happens to you after the betrayal.
Yes, the betrayal itself is devastating. Even now, I can remember the sick feeling in my stomach. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t think. I can’t even describe what it feels like when you find out the person you love has been living a double life. It’s the worst feeling in the world.
But honestly, that’s not the hardest part.
The hardest part is what happens afterward.
It’s the months—and sometimes the years—that follow. You don’t just get hurt. You slowly start to disappear. One day you wake up and think, I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I remember saying that to Mike.
“I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
The things that used to bring me joy didn’t bring me joy anymore. Music didn’t. Writing didn’t. Nothing did. Sometimes I cried. Sometimes I couldn’t even cry because I was just numb.
I was getting counseling. I was praying. I was seeking the Lord. I was doing all the things you’re supposed to do.
But I had still lost myself.
Because all I did was watch him.
When betrayal happens, everything shifts. Your thoughts change. Your emotions change. Your sense of safety is gone. You’re living in fight-or-flight all the time.
Your focus naturally shifts to your spouse.
What are they doing?
Who are they talking to?
Are they telling me the truth?
Is it happening again?
The thoughts become a never-ending loop.
I remember waking up in the middle of the night with random questions because my brain was constantly trying to reconstruct the story. It wanted everything to make sense. I’d replay conversations. I’d analyze details. I’d read into everything.
It hijacked my brain.
At first, that makes sense. You’re trying to make sense of something that completely shattered your world.
But what nobody really tells you is that if you’re not careful, your entire life will start revolving around what your spouse did.
For a little while, that’s understandable.
But eventually I realized something had to change.
My entire life had become about managing someone else’s behavior.
That’s not a marriage.
And that’s not a life.
The turning point came during a counseling session. My counselor looked at me and said, “You’ve got to find yourself again. You’ve lost yourself because all you’re doing is watching him.”
She was right.
She also challenged me in a way I wasn’t expecting.
I told her one of our accountability measures was that I could see where Mike was through Life360.
She said, “You need to stop.”
I was shocked.
She explained that constantly checking on him wasn’t trust. It had become a trap for me.
That’s when I realized something the Lord had been trying to teach me all along.
I couldn’t be Mike’s Holy Spirit.
I couldn’t save him.
I couldn’t control him.
I had to hand him over to the Lord.
That wasn’t easy. But I finally realized that if God brought hidden things into the light once, He was fully capable of doing it again. I didn’t have to spend every waking moment trying to protect myself from being blindsided. I could trust the Lord to deal with what needed to be dealt with.
And once I finally let go, something else happened.
I started finding myself again.
My counselor encouraged me to start doing the things I loved before all of this happened.
For me, it was writing.
The moment I started writing again, it was like somebody flipped a switch.
I remembered who I was.
Maybe for you it’s painting. Maybe it’s walking outside. Maybe it’s working out. Maybe it’s spending time with friends. Maybe it’s reading or gardening or music.
Whatever it is, find yourself again.
Not because you’re ignoring what happened.
Not because you’re pretending everything is okay.
But because your healing doesn’t come from watching them.
It comes from reconnecting with the person God created you to be.
One of the biggest things I had to learn was that my relationship with God had to become personal again. My prayer life couldn’t just be about asking God to fix my husband. I had to get back to simply being with the Lord—listening to Him, worshipping Him, letting Him heal me.
There’s a difference between desperately asking God to fix someone else and simply sitting in His presence.
That’s where healing began for me.
And here’s something I hope you’ll never forget.
Your spouse may have broken your trust.
But they don’t get to break who you are.
Your calling isn’t tied to another person’s choices.
Your identity isn’t tied to another person’s behavior.
God’s purpose for your life didn’t disappear because someone else failed.
You can still become everything God created you to be.
If this message resonates with you, I think you’d also enjoy my book, Choosing Better. It’s all about learning to make Christ-centered decisions, renewing your mind, and moving forward with hope—even after disappointment and difficult seasons.
📖 Get your copy here:
https://a.co/d/0f7pih2T
None of this means you ignore red flags or stop working on your marriage. It doesn’t mean you pretend everything is fine.
It simply means you stop disappearing in the process.
You can fight for your marriage without abandoning yourself.
I wish someone had told me that.
If you’re walking through betrayal right now, I just want to encourage you.
You’re allowed to come back to yourself.
You’re allowed to have peace again.
You’re allowed to breathe again.
You don’t have to have every answer before healing begins.
But you do have to stop disappearing.
Sometimes, the first step toward healing is simply remembering who you were before your whole world became about someone else’s choices.
🎙️ Listen to the Full Podcast Episode
This blog is a condensed version of this week’s episode of The Marriage Altar Podcast.
In the full episode, I share more of our story, what counseling taught me, how God changed both of us through this process, and the practical steps that helped me stop living in survival mode and start finding myself again.
🎧 Listen here:
If this encouraged you, would you do me a favor? Share this blog or the podcast with someone who might need it. You never know who may be quietly walking through the same struggle.
